The North Koreans returned home two weeks ago from South Africa after being bounced from the 2010 World Cup, which not only did they fail to secure a single point during the tournament but they served as somewhat of a punching bag for several elite teams. Now, due to reports from people near the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), word has leaked that many of the players from the North Korean National team have gone “missing” and are feared to have been jailed, and most likely tortured, by dictator Kim Jong-il following their lackluster performance at the world’s biggest tournament.

It’s a widely known fact that Jong-il had high hopes for the squad, believing they had the quality to make a major impact at this year’s tournament. Sadly he was very wrong, not that the citizens of North Korea were the wiser. The governmental control over the media meant that though North Korea were outscored 12 – 1 in actuality, all reports in North Korea only mentioned their lone goal against Brazil and the “Kim Jong-il like” moves of the goal scorer.

Having suffered an embarrassing exit from South Africa, Kim Jong-il and his advisors are hard at work devising a plan to win the cup next time around in 2014. As far fetched as it might sound, the North Koreans will be focusing on several areas designed to create a winner. Some of those ideas include:

- Naturalizing players. Break out player of the 2014 World Cup – Ronaldinho Nam-Choi

- Uniforms designed by Kim Jong-il himself. The sleek monotone grey jump suit he wears now will be adapted into all new kits for the team, designed to help them run a dictatorship on the field while he ruthlessly runs one back home.

- Bill Clinton. Since the Clinton brokered release of 2 American journalists last year, Jong-il has been plotting a way to get the former President back to North Korea. Now that the former President loves soccer, I think he found his angle.

- Double the fan presence at the games. Since no North Korean citizen is allowed to leave the country, Kim Jong-il is planning to hire twice as many Chinese actors to pose as North Korean fans at the next World Cup.

- The bomb. By 2014, North Korea will have a fully functional long range rocket with a nuclear warhead capable of hitting anywhere on the globe and Kim Jong-il is crazy enough to use it. North Korea wins the next 17 World Cups in a row.

These ideas are still in the planning stages but it’s clear that North Korea is taking this sport very seriously from here on out. In fact, Kim Jong-il feels strongly that North Korean soccer will dominate the world by 2014 but “If that doesn’t work,” he stated through an interpreter, “there’s always regular world domination motherf*ckers.”

World Cup Month On JC.Com Continues Albeit Without The Same Kind Of Enthusiasm Once The U.S. Lost To Ghana. We're Keeping A Brave Face To Manage Our Overwhelming Disappointment. We Could've Beat Uruguay If We Had The Chance!

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