Skee-Ball Record Falls

Picked up off of wire services from the Associated Press

February 15, 2010 - Employees at the local Chuck E. Cheese in Overland Park, Kansas swear it was a miracle.

“So this guy comes in,” explains Zach Dierson, the employee near the entrance who, in accordance with President Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act, issues similar hand stamps to families so nobody leaves without their kid.  “I don’t know, late-20’s, unkempt hair, cool retro t-shirt, jeans, and he’s walking around like he owns the joint.”

Cook Ricky Rosaia, who specializes in making pizza that tastes like cardboard, echoed his co-worker’s sentiments, stating “So this friggin’ yahoo goes to the change machine, pulls out a wad of cash, I’m talkin’ a roll, rubber band around it and everything, and only changes a dollar.  Four friggin’ tokens.  His, uh, what’s the sayin’ I’m lookin’ for, uh, body, uh, body language, yeah.  His body language makes me want to punch his friggin’ face in.”

After collecting his gold tokens out of the cup, which houses more bacteria than an old Petri dish, witnesses say the unnamed man slalomed through the miniature masses toward the back of the establishment and froze in front of the Skee-Ball section. “He stood there, for like, twenty minutes, like, just staring,” said aspiring prom queen, Melanie LeDoux (who was busy texting while conducting this interview so her concept of time, and the real world in general, could be off).

According to a higher-up at Chuck E. Cheese, who preferred to remain anonymous, the mysterious man then proceeded to put a token into the third Skee-Ball machine from the left and smiled.  He did a few stretches, mainly arm and shoulder exercises, took the first wooden ball out of the chute, and gracefully bowled it up the brown inclined ramp.  It jumped off the lip of the ramp, caromed off the top net, and settled into the tiny cup that was marked with the 1000 point score, which is the highest score you could attain with one ball.  With his remaining seven balls, he hit the same spot seven times for a perfect score of 8000 (A new high of excellence at this particular franchise).

As sirens went off, all sets of eyes in the restaurant turned in his direction and re-used confetti from a previous birthday party showered down around him.  He patted himself on the back and a little girl approached him for an autograph.  He signed his name to her napkin and added “12” underneath as was his custom and the whispers began, “It’s Jimmy Conrad.  Jimmy Conrad is here.”

He bent down to gather up his winnings (250 tickets) and, like many of the kids in the surrounding area, skipped over to the booth to make a purchase.  He settled on a 4-inch tall green army man with a parachute strapped to its back.

“He handed the rest of his tickets to the kid next to him,” said star-struck booth operator, Debbie Bagnold, “and told him, ‘Don’t spend it all in one place,’ which is hilarious since this is the only place he could spend the tickets.”

Assistant Manager Robert Stevenson added, “Jimmy Conrad is a legend, plain and simple.  I wish he would stop by more often.”