Things I Really ******* Love

By Know-It-All Jones

After months of bull****, head of security for JC.Com Headquarters and my personal parole officer, Randy Thorpe, has informed me that my Jimmy Conrad-imposed sentence has been reduced due to excessive bouts of good behavior so I, again, am ready to write how I want and when I want and today I’m going to tackle one of my favorite subjects:  Things That I Really ******* Love.  So here you go...

THINGS THAT I REALLY ******* LOVE

- Player Ejections From Sporting Events

Did you think I would let this one slip by un-********-noticed?  My boss, Jimmy Conrad, the relentless ******* hero in his own mind, gets a red card in his big chance to make a good impression on the coaches who select the team for the World Cup? Is there anything ******* funnier than that?

And what about the referee, Benito Archundia, who gave him two yellow cards without a ******* warning even though Jimmy was the captain and the U.S. team was playing at home?  The guy is my ******* idol!  I sent him a fan letter but I have received no response just yet.

I also took the time to write a fair and balanced letter to our head of merchandise here at JC.com, Jordan Romanelli, and asked him to start printing up shirts that have a picture of Benito Archundia and read, “Killing the hopes and dreams of players one card at a time.”  Again, I have received no ******* response.  What the ****, man?  Doesn’t anyone want to listen to what I have to say?

- Fox Soccer Channel

How about these mother******?  They put a little “HD” tab in the top right corner of the screen when you’re watching a game so it seems like you’re catching all the action in "High Definition" but you’re not because they haven’t switched over.  They clearly think we are a bunch of ******* idiots but I love them for ******* trying.

- Tim Tebow

Is this guy for ******* real?  He’s a Heisman Trophy winner, he’s good looking, he’s God’s BFF, and he’s 27 times the man Jimmy Conrad is.  What’s not to ******* love?

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, Know-It-All Jones, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who, after a threat of a lawsuit, let Mr. Jones off of his short leash.  For any comments on what you ******* love, Know-It-All Jones can be reached at K-I-A-J@jimmyconrad.com.