Hairy Reflections

By JROCK

For those of you who read my follicle masterpiece Championship Grooming I ended the piece with a promise.  I made a promise to all my fans (Thanks Mom) that I wouldn’t shave the beard I intended on growing until someone emailed me to discuss the article.  I never did receive that email from someone who read the article, but I did receive an email from my wife begging me to shave because she was tired of explaining “who the homeless guy she was with was”.  So I recently took razor to face for the betterment of my marriage, but it wasn’t until afterwards that I realized that the past 10 weeks of maned magic had a profound effect on me, the world around me, and, of course, my sink which is now clogged with facial hair.

Here are some of the things I learned about a beard that having lived with it for weeks have only now dawned on me.

1. You can eat for free at soup kitchens nationwide no questions asked.  Walk in rags or in a business suit, the beard conquers the great divide and answers the question for you, “Does this guy sleep in a cardboard box?"

2.  There is a reason that the Brawny Paper Towel Guy has a beard and promotes paper towels and I found this out when, much like the paper towel itself, my face became super absorbent.  At the point when a squeegee becomes necessary showering equipment, you’ve got a choice….shave or accept the challenge.  I am proud to say I accepted the challenge.

3.  The freedom of not caring about your appearance is liberating, though there is a direct correlation to that freedom and lack of special time with your lady.   The beard and I say her loss.

4.  I have a newfound appreciation for ZZ Top.  “She’s Got Legs” is totally underrated.

5.  You instantly look older.  Personally, I added 10 years.  You have no trouble renting a car at the airport, you never get carded at the bar, and you can get in R-rated movies.  Think about it kids, think about it.

6.  Every time you walk in a room of people you don’t know think you’re instantly the shady character or the mysterious guy.  Some might construe that as a negative, I just saw it as an excuse to loudly talk to myself in gibberish.

7.  Facial warmth.  During the winter months having a face sweater can’t be underestimated.

8.  Growing facial hair instantly gives you entrance to an exclusive club of manliness.  Greeting you at the entrance to the club is founding member and club president Tom Selleck.

9.  A beard helps you ponder life’s greatest questions.  No, not because it has anything to do with actual thought, but rather because you can now stroke your actual beard in thought instead of a make-believe one.  I think it helped me find my car keys last week.

I’d like to encourage everyone out there (you too, ladies) with the gumption to do so, to grow yourself a wondrous beard and see what I’m talking about.  I can’t guarantee you’ll have the same experience with your beard as I did with mine, but let that be part of the itchy joy of growing one for yourself.  So put that razor down and hit the snooze button on the 5 o’clock shadow alarm.

R.I.P. JROCK’s Beard