Sexy Raccoon

By JROCK

I, amongst other JimmyConrad.com staff writers, was charged with the task of watching the MLS Cup and writing my thoughts on the game for you, the reader.  The way I see it, if you wanted a summary of the game you can read that from far more accredited sources than myself, so instead of just regurgitating most of what you already know I’m going to let you experience the game as I did, watching with a friend.  What you’re about to read is a chronological account of comments and conversation about the game (or otherwise) from either myself or my friend Beth.  As an aside, you the reader should be aware this is quite possibly the first ever soccer game Beth has ever watched.

Pre-game - Teams take the field together holding the hands of children.

Beth: What’s with the kids?

JROCK: Yeah, at the beginning of every soccer game the teams walk in together with kids.  I’m not sure why?

Beth: Where do they get the kids?  Do players get the same kid all the time?

JROCK: I’m not really sure.

Beth: Do you think their parents have to sign a permission slip, like for a field trip?  I think the kids should get a gift, like a parting gift on a game show.  Hey do the kids get pie?

The reader should also be aware that at this time I was also making a s’mores pie for the JimmyConard.com Thanksgiving Day potluck lunch.  Recipe found here.

Pre-game – Rob Stone, Julie Foudy, & Alexi Lalas assess the game

Beth:  That guy is attractive.

JROCK:  Who the guy on the left?

Beth:  No the other guy.

JROCK: Julie Foudy?

Beth:  No the tall guy with the red hair.

JROCK:  Really!?!  I had you pegged much more of a Rob Stone gal.  Well I think he’s in a band so that’s a plus.

Beth:  I don’t date musicians anymore, just professional athletes.  Do you think Jimmy knows any single soccer players for me?

JROCK:  He’s not eharmony.com.

05:03 Galaxy Goal kick

Beth:  Damn, that guy can kick!

JROCK:  Yes, he’s also a hell of a dancer.  He’s trained in jazz tap under a world class master.

Beth: Really?!?

JROCK: No, not really.

17:53 Camera pans across the field during a exchange of passes.

Beth: Why is that guy wearing a yellow shirt?

JROCK: That’s the ref.

Beth:  It must suck to be him, he doesn’t get to play.  Do you think when they tell him oh you’re going to ref a soccer game today, he’s like “**** I’m reffing a soccer game today, I just have to run the whole time”?

JROCK: Oh yea I think that’s part of his daily affirmation.  He says that right after he says he’s good enough, he’s smart enough and doggonit, people like him.

23:06 JROCK leaves the room briefly to attend to his baking pie

JROCK:  What’d I miss?

Beth: Some guys were kicking it.

JROCK:  Thanks for the play by play.

31:18 Camera shot of Javier Morales crying on the bench

Beth:  Why is that guy crying?

JROCK:  He just found out he could have saved more money by switching to Geico.  It hit him hard.

43:48 Camera shows a close-up shot of David Beckham

JROCK: You know his nickname is “Golden Balls”?

Beth:  I bet his junk is beautiful, just like he is.

JROCK: Agreed.

59:22 Camera shows shot of the crowd with fans waving and cheering

Beth:  Was that guy holding up a Westside foam hand?

JROCK: What?

Beth:  You know (Beth gestures the Westside sign crossing her middle fingers and extending the others to form a “W”), like in Boyz in the Hood.

68:40 Camara shows another shot of David Beckham

JROCK: What do you think of his hair?

Beth: It looks like a coon skin hat….a really sexy raccoon though.

76:37 Camera shows close-up of Landon Donovan

JROCK: That guy had swine flu.

Beth: I’m glad he lived, otherwise who would his kid walk with?

JROCK:  I don’t think he has children.

Beth: No the kid from the beginning of the game.

82:10 Camera shows a close-up of Jason Kreis, angry the ref didn’t award a penalty shot.

Beth: That guy looks pissed; I bet he’s no fun at parties.

84: 44 Camera pans the crowd and shows a RSL supporter with glasses and a scarf.

Beth: Is that Harry Potter?

90:00 + Final whistle blows, game is going into overtime

Beth:  Is the game over?

JROCK: No, the game goes into overtime.  They play two 15 minutes halves, which ever team has the most point at the end wins.  If the game is still tied it goes to a penalty shoot out.

Beth: Overtime?  Do they get paid time and a half?

120:00 + Penalty Shoot Out – David Beckham launches a snot rocket before taking his shot.

Beth: Snot rockets are sexy.

JROCK: Agreed.

120:00 + Penalty Shoot Out – Robbie Finley scores

Beth: Why did the goalie go the other way?

JROCK:  Well penalty shots are converted about 90% of the time.  It’s more about the guy taking the kick missing more than it is the goalie stopping him.  The goalie is really guessing.

Beth:  That guy is a bad guesser.  Remind me not to have him on my team when we play charades.

120:00 + Penalty Shoot Out – Robbie Russell scores and Real Salt Lake wins the MLS Cup

JROCK: Beth, I have to pick my MVP of the game, but I really think you should pick it.

Beth: How do you decide MVP?

JROCK: Just pick who you think was most important to the win.

Beth: Okay, I’m giving it to that guy who looked pissed.

JROCK: The coach?

Beth: I don’t know, the angry guy.  I think his angry look was the reason they won. 

JROCK: So you’re saying his scowl was the reason they won?

Beth: I guess he could have just stepped on a nail and the look was a coincidence.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author’s, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad.  The author would like to note that Beth is a spunky 20something looking for Mr. Right.  All dating inquiries will be screened by JROCK at JROCK@jimmyconrad.com. A photo of Beth is also available by request.