We here at JimmyConrad.com have strived to bring you information, an opinion, and hopefully some laughs. We hope to become part of your weekly routine, but we realize maybe you don’t know much about us. Sure you know Jimmy, but we are a family here at JimmyConrad.com and are hoping you consider us part of your family as well. To be family you need to learn more about us and we figure what better way than to share something of ourselves with you. Our crack team of staff writers has put together a list questions designed to enlighten you, the reader, and perhaps even provide an inside peek at the inner workings of the Shawnee Mission Industrial Complex’s August winner of the vaunted Landscaping Of The Month award – JimmyConrad.com.

Listed below is a questionnaire each employee of JimmyConrad.com was sent and asked to fill out and I have the distinct honor of going first. Enjoy.

1. What do enjoying doing most in your time away from the office?

Starting October 6^th, every Tuesday night from 6-8pm I will be taking Acting Fundamentals at the Boca Raton Community High School. For my $58 I will receive 8 classes including scenes, commercials, and relaxation. 8 classes later I hope to be auditioning for a costarring role in the community theatre rendition of Cats.

2. Movie you’re ashamed to admit you enjoy?

This is a hard one because for me the Sunday afternoon TNT movies are tough to resist no matter how awful the movie is. Though I will sit and watch Drumline & Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift no matter what point in the movie is at when I stumble across it, the one movie I can never resist is that timeless romantic-comedy classic, You’ve Got Mail. Here’s my conundrum, I want to make a You’ve Got Mail reference to show you I’m dead serious, but I know no one will get it. Instead, I’ll just say why would anyone make this up? Also, I swear I’m straight.

3. If you could be Jimmy for a day, what would you do with your new found power?

I would live out my dream of reuniting the cast of CHiPs replacing Larry Wilcox’s character Jon Baker, with myself, so I could ride the highways and byways of Los Angeles with my partner Ponch. I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I may incorporate a sci-fi element making it set in outer space, calling the show SpaceCHiPs. Either way in my version the bikes will be brought up today’s technology and be able to leave Earth’s atmosphere.

4. What is an experience as a child that shaped who you are today?

In the 4^th grade Neil Malden gave me a black eye. F*ck you Neil, last I heard you’re writing a blog for a central defender’s website who plays in the USL 1. Who’s the won the fight now?

5. Last song you sang aloud and would be embarrassed to admit you knew the words to and/or enjoyed?

Martina McBride – “This One’s for the Girls.” I am not kidding.

6. Window seat or aisle seat?

I’m a straight up window seat guy, but I think we can all agree if you, by choice, pick the middle seat there’s something off about you.

7. Would you rather become increasingly intelligent with the consumption of alcohol but also become increasingly convinced you are Gloria Estefan or have a firm grasp of roman numerals but look exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?

Though the urge to do the Conga stemming from my inability to control myself any longa would be strong, I’m going with the latter choice because I want to be a hit at SuperBowl parties.

8. If you could only choose one fast food chain to eat at for the rest of your life, which would it be and why?

All I have to say is Burger King #9 with cheese. My wife calls it the triple bypass; I call it heaven on a bun. Shameful admission – I have been known to get one when she’s not around and eat it at the restaurant for fear she might find evidence of this occurrence. No, I’m not proud of myself.

9. Television program you’re ashamed to admit you enjoy or watch with regularity?

Listen just because I often watch shows with my wife on Bravo like The Real Housewives of Orange County or House Hunters on HGTV, it doesn’t make me any less of a man. Admitting I enjoy those does, so I guess I’m in trouble.

10. Now that you’re employed JimmyConrad.com, admit to one thing on your resume you might have lied about to get the job.

My Microsoft Excel 97 skills are not proficient, they are merely adequate.

11. How did you come to be employed by JimmyConrad.com and/or a story from your interview?

I was lucky enough not to have to interview for a position, the man saw my talent immediately and by immediately I mean somewhere around the 300^th email I had sent him proclaiming my admiration and desire to be involved in the empire that is JimmyConrad.com. I’d like to think he saw something in those emails, that maybe I was some undiscovered gem of literary talent waiting to be discovered, but more likely than not he just wanted to make the emails stop and thought this was the best case scenario.

12. What’s an idea you pitched for JimmyConrad.com that never got out of the board room?

I swear I thought the documentary on Jimmy’s 1986 little league team entitled The Temple City Tigers: Where Are They Now? was going to receive critical acclaim.

13. Favorite story from the JimmyConrad.com annual company picnic?

Ok so he’s a world-class athlete, he’s a competitor, he’s a master motivator, but he’s also a crap partner in the three-legged race. Seriously, it’s not that hard to move in unison with a leg tied to another person, I would have thought he could have handled it. Don’t let him give you that bullsh*t excuse he gave me about how the surface was uneven and there holes only on his side of the lane. Also he cheated at the egg and spoon race – I know that thing was glued on there.

14. Have you ever purchased something from an infomercial?

I haven’t, but I did spend several months obsessed with the Ronco Automatic Pasta machine for some reason. I was convinced we had to have one, which was really strange for a 12 year-old. I had watched the infomercial so many times that I could have been Ron Popeil myself. Thankfully my mother never gave in and purchased the sure to be piece of junk. Side story – I have never forgiven her.

15. When making a dated MacGyver reference and joke, what are the three things you use to punctuate the punch line of the joke?

The great thing about a MacGyver joke is that even if it comes out perfectly at best it’s still only funny to you and you may get a few courtesy laughs. I’m going with a bobby pin, chewing gum wrapper, and nitro glycerin. I miss you Richard Dean Anderson.

16. What’s your favorite benefit of working at JimmyConrad.com?

At first I thought it was awkward receiving a shiatsu massage from Jimmy once a week, but he insisted and boy, am I glad he did. The man has quite the soothing touch which provides a happy ending to every work week.

17. Kiss, Marry, Kill? Pat Sajak, Bob Barker, & Chuck Woolery

Tough call, but I’m going with:

Kill – Pat Sajak

Marry – Bob Barker

Kiss – Chuck Woolery (As if I even had a choice)

18. What’s one thing not many people know about you?

I perform in civil war reenactments, not because I enjoy taking part them, but because I have a compulsion that forces me to quote the Gettysburg address at dinner parties. This is the only way I’ve found to rationalize this behavior. Added benefit – long underwear with a trap door.

19. What is something or someone that you irrationally hate?

Ben Affleck.

20. Favorite Jimmy Conrad story involving yourself?

The first time I met Jimmy face to face it was a mutually agreed upon location. Having never met before and only spoken via email, naturally we met in a public place to ensure I wasn’t a crazy person. We spoke about this website he was planning and how he thought I could be a part of it and I had a lot of questions for him about being a professional athlete and what it was like to play in a World Cup. There we were a couple of friends chatting over meal; it was somewhat reminiscent of the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally. When the subject of soccer players faking injury came up, using my new found level of comfort with Jimmy I launched into my own version of the famous Meg Ryan’s “fake” scene from When Harry Met Sally. After I realized that everyone in the restaurant was staring at me and I realized I probably just embarrassed Jimmy and lost my only chance with him. I got up from my seat ashamed and about to leave the restaurant in tears, when Jimmy looked at me and said those fateful words “I’ll have what she’s having.” The whole restaurant erupted with laughter and that’s when I knew we were going to be friends for a very long time.

The views and opinions expressed in this questionnaire are those of the author, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who looks forward to more staff contributions in the near future and reading about how he is adored and loved by all.

COMMENTS: NO