It’s always been in vogue for professional sports teams to be tied with celebrities from all walks of life. The added attention has always helped and never hurt those teams. Now it seems, over the past few years, that it’s popular for those very same celebrities to not just be fans, but also have a seat in the board room. In recent years we’ve seen this in the NBA with hip-hop impresario Jay-Z becoming a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets and in the NFL with former 80s hit-maker and Miami Sound Machine alum Gloria Estefan having a stake in the Miami Dolphins. Well, the MLS seems to have caught up with the notion that linking their brand and their teams to a celebrity could be a good way to find some cash and some cred.

With the success of Seattle Sounders FC and minority owner comedian Drew Carey, every MLS teams is searching high and low for anyone who could possibly draw some attention and put fans in seats. As you will see below there have been some suspect decisions made by the higher ups of some of these franchises.

Eastern Conference

Kansas City Wizards – Jimmy Conrad’s own home team is hoping to cash in on the lucrative tween and the creepy adult fan crowd, by making a formal pitch to the most famous wizard of all - Harry Potter. President Robb Heinemann has been quoted as saying, “We feel like there is a natural, if not supernatural tie-in between quidditch and soccer. We’re hoping Harry would like to be involved and cast his spell over our fans too.” Rumors from the KC hierarchy are that dark horse candidate Merlin has also been brought in for meetings.

Toronto FC – Toronto has been a success from Day 1 for MLS and is the current model for all future expansion teams and until Vancouver arrives in 2011, they are the only Canadian team in the league, which they are hoping to capitalize on by bringing in some heavy hitters from north of the border. Already contacted to be involved are Michael J Fox, Dan Akroyd, Pamela Anderson, Tom Green, Alanis Morisette, and Steve Nash. It’s likely all will jump at the chance to be involved, but Toronto has suffered its first denial when former Full House funny man Dave Coulier (Joey Gladstone) declined the offer by motioning to the Toronto brass to “Cut…It...Out”.

Uncle Joey FC

Columbus Crew – There was much debate on who to approach about the idea of minority ownership concerning this club. The idea of guys who row crew, shopped at J. Crew, or simply had a crew cut were all tossed around, but the decision makers have decided to approach famous discoverers in a play on the name of the city of Columbus, Ohio. Little known fact: Many believe Columbus, Ohio may or may not have been discovered and settled by Chris Columbus, director of Adventures in Babysitting. The most problematic issue in trying to contact famous discoverers is that they’re mostly already dead. Bigger miracles have been accomplished though, after all, the city has convinced the MLS to put a professional sports team in the middle of Ohio. Setting its sail for the brave new world of MLS ownership, the search for investment partners has begun in earnest and with no sight of landfall in the near future.

New England Revolution – The savvy Bob Kraft is no stranger to making smart a business decision which is why he has looked past the obvious choice for minority investment, local hero Paul Revere, and chosen a man that though might have a higher risk, might also bring with him a possible greater reward. Kraft, having seen the parallels of communist Cuba and the way in which he operates his companies, has gone with Che Guevara as his candidate for a minority stake in La Revolución. Despite the controversial selection, Kraft feels as if the Communist ideals the Che brings with him will be benefit to all fans of New England. “The fans demand lower prices; they demand a good product on the field. The manifesto of this team will be that of what’s good for the state is what is good for the people and those people are you, the fan,” says Kraft. To coincide with Guevara’s involvement the Revolution’s kit is changing from predominately blue to all red.

D.C. United – The natural tie in for D.C. is that of the political scene which is why the United ownership group has put together a pitch for every living President in hopes that the star power of the beltway can detract from the fact they still play in RFK Stadium. Currently no President has yet to respond to management’s inquiry, but they remain hopeful that at least one of the American Presidents will be a soccer fan. The ownership group has hired lobbyists, like many special interests do, though they promise that they will abide by the rules set forth for approaching potential investors that the MLS has established. The so-called AEG rules (Anschutz Entertainment Group, the Owners of most things and for this article’s purposes, the LA Galaxy, or more specifically David Beckham) apply to all ownership groups, but it’s known to be famously less stringent upon the owners who pad the pockets of the league office.

Philadelphia Union – Even the expansion teams are getting in the act because they too can see the value of bringing in a name. In Philly it’s about how you come up and it’s about being a working class stiff. That’s why the Union has sought local legend Rocky Balboa to touch gloves and enter the ring of professional soccer ownership. Rocky’s involvement is said to be conditional upon his demands being met. Those demands include a personal meat locker for workouts being installed in the basement of their stadium, which is currently under construction, and no one ever mentioning the single most homo-erotic scene in movie history – Rocky and Apollo Creed frolicking and embracing each other on the beach and in the surf while wearing those way too short shorts and high socks from Rocky III. His terms are expected to be agreed upon and a press conference is already planned at the top of the “Rocky Steps”. A beef has already been started between next years expansion franchise and the current one when Rocky was quoted as saying, “Yo Adrian!….Hanauer of the Seattle Sounders ownership group the Italian Stallion is coming for you.”

New York Red Bulls – There is no proof that this is actually a professional sports team let alone a professional soccer franchise. Red Bull is actually not looking for investors at this time as they are attempting to rebrand the New York Red Bulls as less a soccer team and more a team of daredevils hopped up on energy drinks which, in fewer than 5 years, science will prove causes every ailment and sickness of the future. When Red Bull Arena opens to the public next season the pitch will contain features unlike any other in the MLS. Replacing the pristine grass fields of new stadiums will be an all-dirt surface complete with mounds of earth designed to for the perfect heel clicker and back flips. Replacing the soccer players will be BMX riders, Freestyle Motocross riders, and a bear on a unicycle. Not one to disregard his commitment to the team, former striker Juan Pablo Angel has put down the soccer ball and picked up a bike. For Juan Pablo’s sake when he’s in the middle of that first jump and he’s 30 feet in the air I hope he feels like that move to the MLS was worth it.

Chicago Fire – In the Windy City, things aren’t done if you don’t grease the wheels a little and that’s why the brass at the Fire are bringing someone who can held motivate those who need a little extra assistance, unfortunately for them, it’ll be at the end of a Tommy Gun. Famous gangster Al Capone is being highly sought after in efforts to bring some much needed muscle to the conference room of Fire headquarters. The only possible deal breaker is Capone’s insistence that booze be run out of the basement of Toyota Park despite repeated attempts to explain that prohibition no longer exists. A contingency plan involving Mrs. O’Leary’s cow is already in the works in case the Capone deal falls through. Despite starting a fire the destroyed four square miles of the city in 1871, the Fire PR staff feels like Mrs. O’Leary’s cow could at least be used for some sort of halftime stunt involving Cuauhtémoc Blanco in a firefighter’s uniform.

Check back tomorrow for part 2 and see who the Western Conference teams are considering to join the circus that is MLS ownership.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author's, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who, after reading the column above, really can't wait to meet Harry Potter.

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